So how do I start this all? This is a true story. And a long one.

​

Now I was just out of high school and started getting into drugs. Nothing much at first, just weed like most people. Then I did cocaine, speed (adderall), small amounts of drinking, vicodin was once crushed into the weed we smoked with a coffee bean grinder. And it was all at this one guy's apartment I was friends with (not really) because I bought all the drugs.

A couple years of doing that and I get a random friend request on facebook from this girl, and I see her face, she looks a bit disappointed in her profile picture. I accept the request and she immediately starts messaging me then. She also seems a bit down from the way she is speaking to which I try to lift her spirits and she pulls away immediately to which I respond with my usual "that's okay, you can tell me when your ready" demeanor. And this girl, we will call her....Miss More. Anyways, as soon as I respond to her, she comes back flamboyantly saying I am the only one who has shown that I care about her, and I immediately get scared and thinking something is not right here. So I drop the convo quickly by not saying anything and logging off. I go to the usual party spot I mentioned and SHE is already there waiting for me and she immediately goes to grab my attention with a hug. I return her hug and quickly leave, which is unusual for me because I always stayed there to have fun because it was my way to get away from my terrible home living situation.

Now a bit of info about me, I'm always nervous around girls. Always. Especially if they are giving me even small amounts of affection, so when someone starts to ramp up the volume (and this has happened multiple times in the past) I have extreme reactions on all sides of the emotional spectrum. All the girls stop their pursuits there once that happens and I'm alone and feeling bad about what I just did. Except this girl. Miss More...wanted more. I started going to another friend's house when I noticed that she was always hanging at my usual spot. And then she showed up there too! I started to feel cornered and terrified beyond words. And when everyone was here at the 2nd spot and she showed up for the first time while I was there, she walks up and says "HI (ImpossibleBig's real name)!" And I was so terrified of her that I thought she was doing this on purpose so with everyone there I yelled at her to stop following me, hoping that would put a stop to it with everyone as a witness to what I'm expressing what I'm going through. She quickly backs away and rolls into herself kind of like a turtle and looks down. I stop going to the usual 1st spot to hang out because the guy didn't pay his rent and it turns out she let the landlord in to evict them.

​

I was stuck going to this 2nd spot as my usual spot and she would show up here also, but she never bothered me, or talked to me. She would walk around in mini skirts and her huge boobs in a tight t-shirt. And she was fit. I never paid much mind to her because she wasn't what I would call particularly attractive in the face...at the time. Eventually one day we are all drinking and the other two guy's leave to get food and it's just me and her in the basement alone and just as soon as the door closes she grabs my hand, starts sucking on my finger and has the best mouth I have ever felt. I was slightly terrified but her mouth was like pure saliva, the texture was so smooth and her mouth went from dry like a desert to wet like I can't even describe. This was just the initial part of her grabbing me. And then she took a long, slow drag to the tip of my finger and gave it a slight bite and gave a smile.

At this point I was so excited and it hadn't even been 15 seconds since this all started. But I was so excited that I grabbed her and picked her up and pushed her to the wall, which she seemed to go with but had her eyes closed and didn't move at all unless I moved her. I began kissing and licking her neck instinctively but I couldn't get much done due to her wearing a spiked leather collar 100% of the time. This attempt by me went nowhere. She was super wet down in her flower. She had the best vagina I have ever seen in my life. It looked so perfect and her trim job with just a landing pad was so perfectly trimmed it looked like it was grown that way. I began to eat her out as she sat on the couch silently. I got up to pull my dick out for a blowjob...but this time she became rigid. Her mouth was not opening for my dick and she had no other response. Completely silent, completely refusing me access to her mouth which was only felt a minute ago by my finger. This night ends just like that. Her refusing me anything more than what I already got, and me feeling frustrated and confused as to what the fuck was going on in my life with her.

So many more incidents I can go on about, but I had not been with another girl after that until 8 years later with my neighbor. She completely changed my entire aspect on sexuality that I had completely and utterly broke down and was sent to a mental health facility to recover several times. Sometimes me seeking it out to regain some sense of self worth or because I ran away from my parent's home. But that was mostly toward the end though. She was in complete control of the relationship for the entire time we were together and I had no idea. I had no idea what a relationship like that even looked like. And ever since she dumped me and left me like a bad habit, I have been completely addicted to the idea of a female led relationship. It started with her, she became more and more attractive to me with our time together. And I became more and more addicted to her without my even realizing it. And once it was over, I didn't realize how much I had become dependent on her because I started to beg immediately for her to give me another chance. But she never let me. She blocked me on everything from her phone to social media to even leaving when I was in the same place as her. The roles were completely reversed here. She said that if I changed then she would let me back into her life, I didn't know how I could do that. And it's been 9 years since that day and I thought if I couldn't get what I wanted from her, I would have to seek it other places knowing that it would never be truly what I wanted. Because what I want is to be dominated by her, and to this day I don't know why I want that. I guess it makes it convenient because I'm nervous and shy around women. Especially beautiful women. And I am probably not anyone's first thought of who would be a sub. I am very fit and athletic looking. I wear tank tops everywhere I go to show that. That was one thing she changed about me. I became more outgoing because I craved feeling her physically and mentally again and again and again so much.

And as the years past, we have changed so much. She still ignores me, but I still want her so bad. But what has changed is the way we look. I was a skinny stoner and have become a physically athletic looking monster who gets by on using his muscles to be attractive and being a generally positive person because she changed me in that way too, driving me to become more positive and happy and worthwhile in the hopes I can recreate that same situation that got it all started with her. While she has gained a lot of weight, cut her hair very, very short to the point it looks like a man's haircut. But back then she had this amazing face and I feel bad when people say she looks like a man. And I know I just said it, but I really miss her body and hair she had so much and it was naturally very curly and dyed it pink and then purple and oh my god the make up jobs she did were amazing. I would still be with her today if she gave me the chance. I'd let her ruin my life over and over until I died if she let me be with her. She was a big titty goth girl which is the point of so many dude's fantasies with not many photos online to show how many really exist. She was one though, and for that time I was with her, I enjoyed every fucking moment of it. I really needed a women to lead me because I had no ideas how relationships worked, and now I'm driving crazy to find another one who will fill this void I now have in my life going on 10 years. I'm madly in love with her still, but I don't think there is any way she will take me back. I was never officially hers because she was supposed to leave to get married with a guy in the military after a year but that fell out because the guy had gotten married to someone else, leaving her devastated and dumping me in the process as well in a fit of a heated exchange between the two of us.

But dear god do I still love her. And I love the feeling she gave me and I have not been able to tap into that again. I had involuntary visuals of her when I thought of my favorite things, but instead of these things I saw her face. It was a wild ride with her and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. And that is my story with Miss More. I was left, forever wanting more.