I stood there alone in silence; my hands pressed to the wall – thoughtless. I close my eyes and try to focus, to feel, to sort, to find anything there – but all I see is darkness. I feel like I’ve been through it all, I’ve seen all the parts, I’ve touched and removed each one, wanting to see it, to change it, to make it better, to find a way to make it fit. At this point I can’t remember where half of them came from, where they go, or how to put them back together – for all I know most of them aren’t even necessary. Every moment, every thought and struggle, is grating on me, grinding against me and making me feel it. I look at each one, on its own a light thing, but as I pile them up, they feel heavy – and like they are what has made me numb to it all. I’m lost, all I know is I need to feel, something – anything. I push against the wall with my hands, feeling how solid it is, feeling it is there, it’s pressure back – it can take it, it will hold me up.

I don’t hear a sound, not a single thing, just the cool of the wall against my palms, it’s steadiness it’s strength. I feel how solid it is, how envious it makes me. Then the bite as it hits my skin, I just bite me teeth and remain quiet – its nothing, it barely feels compared to what I’ve been doing to myself. It rests a moment, letting it seep, wanting it to sear, to feel anything but what I’m feeling – to have a way to escape it. The crop rises and falls, biting into my skin – I take it, I breath, something about it feels almost cathartic – biting in and then the moments of nothing until the next strike. I try to focus on it, to feel it, needing it – anything, a new sensation to focus on. My breath quicker, I embrace it – wanting more, this becoming the only respite I’ve been able to find in the last few days. And I want more, I want more than I can take, so there is that – so I can just feel that, the feel of breaking.

My back is hot, searing – and finally I can feel my tears, streaming down my cheeks. That is what I wanted, needed – I don’t even understand why but for some reason it feels like the only way in this moment. I fall to my knees, leaning my head to the wall. Deep breaths, letting go – pretending it is everything I’ve felt the last few days and that this is it flowing away. And for the first time my mind isn’t just blank, but clear – for at least a moment, I can just be.