Lowblowtober: Balls (a day late, but that's okay)
(Inspired by real events but still fiction, all characters 18 years old or older)
Me and my friends Scott, Claire, and Amy were spending our last day of Summer before each of us would move on to different colleges. Back then I was a little stocky, but could probably pass as Matt Damon if you squinted your eyes just so. Scott was tall, but not all that athletic; he looked like he would grow up to be a Ray Romano clone. Claire was our super smart cheerleader friend - long wavy blonde hair and strong, but not overly muscular. And Amy was our friend who loved movies and anime and somehow inserted herself into our friend group. She was slight and willowy with long straight black hair that framed her face like depressing drapes.
But we were looking for some just pain silly fun and found it at a local playground. Now, admittedly, we were way too old to play on this playground, but it was one of those well-built ones with more metal and wood than plastic. And we decided to see who could climb to the top of the highest part of this pointy tower at the top. Claire was first to do so, shooting up with practiced athletic grace. She looked around and then smiled and gave the queen wave from the top as we cheered for her. She slipped back down easily and asked, "Who's next?"
Amy simply said "No thanks, I'm just fine standing here watching you guys risk your lives."
So Scott went next, his tall frame making the climb up somewhat easier. He managed to get up to the top and put his fist in the air and shout "Yeah!"
But getting back down wasn't so easy. The top pointy part of the tower had this sort of lip that you had to climb over to get on top. And as Scott tried to climb down over that lip, his foot slipped down faster than he expected.
From down at the ground, all we heard was a "HURK" followed by a groan and we saw him move the rest of the way down slowly. When he reached the ground, he collapsed to his knees and then assumed the fetal position, clutching his groin in pain.
"Dude, what happened man?" I asked.
After a groan, he answered, "Got racked on that top part. Ungh... God that hurts so bad! Be careful man. But get up there! I can deal with my own problems right here." He gave a quick smile as his pain gave way to embarrassed acceptance.
Both Claire and Amy then looked at me with expectant eyes as if to say: well? Get up there then!
So I made the climb. And climbing up was really not that hard at all. I stood, admiring the view for a moment and called down, "It really is an impressive view from up here!"
Amy called back with a gleam in her eye "Hurry up and get back down here than big guy! Carefully! Wouldn't want to end up like poor Scott here, right?"
A knot formed in my lower stomach. Scott racked his balls badly enough getting down from this exact spot that he was still down for the count. And I had balls. I love my balls. I most certainly did NOT want to be driven to my knees in pain just from climbing down this tower. So I carefully began to climb down. It didn't seem so difficult until I got to the tower lip and moved my leg to a foothold below it. That's when I felt it. The hard, unforgiving metal rim directly on my soft delicate balls. This, right here, is the hammer that smashed Scott's manhood not five minutes ago. My family jewels lay on the same chopping block. I had never been so aware of my own anatomy as that moment. But I was careful. As any man knows, one's balls are delicate, but so long as the movements are slow and predictable, they just roll along so to speak. And that's how I made it over the lip, slowly, feeling the unsettling sensation of my round testicles slipping over that metal ridge slowly and deliberately. The HURK sound that Scott had made haunted me as I moved with the same intensity as a man diffusing a bomb. I sighed with relief as both my boys flopped down to a normal comfortable position below the ridge. My balls were safe! The rest of the climb down was easy and I soon stood next to Scott and in front of Claire triumphant.
I flexed my arms and gave a goofy cheer. "I did it! Safe and sound!" Claire cheered with me and even Scott gave an approving noise from the ground. But I should have kept my eye on Amy.
Suddenly, I felt an explosion of pain between my legs. Now, I've never experienced time travel, but that moment came close. One moment I was standing and cheering. The next moment I was on my knees with my head on the ground, desperately holding my poor balls. There was, in my experience, no movement or travel time between the two positions. But the agony stabbed up into my stomach from my groin and I could hardly breathe. Tears formed in my eyes and I choked out a pained gasp.
Claire put her hand to her mouth and said "Oh my gosh! Zack, are you okay? You poor thing!"
I tried to respond, but my breath wouldn't come. So I just whimpered and groaned a little more as my throbbing balls filled my hands. I was grateful they were still whole even as they filled me with pain.
Then I heard Amy laugh loudly.
"Ha! You should have seen your face! You were so worried up there climbing down and you looked so relieved to be cheering down here. I just couldn't miss the opportunity! You were wide open! Hahaha! After all that work to get them down safely, BAM! Still left in the fetal position like Scott! Woo! I'm so glad I don't have balls! Right Claire?"
Claire's face switched from sympathetic to practical, a small smile forming. "Sure am! Balls just seem like such a joke. Sorry it probably doesn't feel funny to you guys right now though."
Amy moved to right in front of me. "Yep, I've been wanting to give you that kick for months now Zack! Walking around clueless about that big package of yours...I just had to check if those big boys were balls of steel. Pretty sure you can confirm: they definitely are not."
All I could groan out in pain was, "my BALLS!" And then I just cried with my face in the dirt, hoping for the pain to leave my balls. She thought I had a big package. My big precious balls. And they are the whole reason that I can't stand right now. Damn.